What is love?

I feel like channelling my inner Carrie Bradshaw today … so I can’t help but wonder:
is it love, when someone just can’t let go? Even if they admit that they were never truly happy in their longterm marriage? Claiming they still love and will always love the other – but all the same wish that they’ll never have a happy day in their lives again?

When people ask me of my astrological opinion of their partnerships, I’m able to differ and see things as they are. Whereas when I’m regarding my own relationships, I tend to throw all objectiveness over board and see things through mostly rose-tinted glasses. Like: ach, these hard Saturn-aspects are just minor ones, right? Pain is just the first step, haha – who cares?

So maybe it’s the same for people who are perfectly able to give precise relationship-advice to others, but are completely blind to the mistakes they make themselves.

Still there’s one thing, I just can’t wrap my head around: why would you ask to marry someone whose hobbies you don’t share, who’s friends you despise and who’s general attitude to life just isn’t your cup of tea, in the first place? And feel depressed, when he fails to change everything about him, to make you happy, when he thought, you were happy and loved him the way he was? From a distance (and also very clearly in astrological terms) it looks like, there were two people falling not for each other as they were, but for the picture of a ‘love of their life’ they’ve formed of each other in their mind. Then sticked together no matter what, because one isn’t one to give up easily and would never admit, to have made such a grave mistake as choosing the wrong partner – although suffering and feeling like sacrificing themselves for a greater cause all of the time. And the other being someone used to ignore and sit out problems, hoping they’ll sort out somehow along the way – while being perfectly able to draw personal happiness out of other things in life.

This mixture for desaster ended in betrayal. Born out of physical and emotional distance one party obviously couldn’t bear any longer. Still unexcusable. But at this very moment a year has gone past the decision to sort things out in a fair way for both and end a marriage one party admittedly hadn’t spent a single happy day in. So is it still love or just a hurt ego causing them of all people – to still stalk and emotional blackmail – because it wasn’t them, that ended it all, but their significant other? Whom they’ve constantly accused for years that he won’t ever get anything afoot? When the one thing he finally did, was telling them, that he’s seeing no future in staying together anymore? Is it, because he hadn’t the /right/ to do this? Did they see themselves as the only ones, ultimately entitled to ‘pull the plug’ and leave? Because they’ve ‘invested’ more suffering in the relationship over the years?

In German there is a verb for the feeling we have, when someone is publicly embarrassing himself: fremdschämen. Witnessing someone making a complete fool out of oneself in writing emails ranging between declarations of love and outright hatred of the worst kind, telling – easily to reveal – lies and all in all trampling their own dignity in the dust over and over, stirs a lot of fremdschämen and pity in me. Saying things like ‘If you really loved me, you’d done this and that.’ … ‘If you really cared about our relationship, you’d changed yourself.” … is not love, but the path to emotional abuse. Love has no strings attached. No one needs to disown himself for the other. If someone constantly fails to meet your expectations – he is not ‘the right one’ for you. It’s as easy – albeit painful to realize – as that.

I’ve ended my marriage too this year – but although I’ve been also initially ‘left’ for someone else, I’m grateful that we were both able to resolve this like adults and treated each other with respect. Maybe because we always had and never lost the ability to honestly talk to each other over the course of our almost 30 years of marriage.

I’ll tend to continue this way in the one to come.
Here’s to love. Whatever it is.

... THINGS FROM DINGS

Ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn’t have) ?

I was just sitting outside in the dark watching fireflies zooming around the garden. Suddenly I thought of Nouvelle Vague’s wonderful easy listening cover version of The Buzzcocks’ classic “Ever fallen in love” … so here you go

Nouvelle Vague – Ever Fallen In Love from nigani on Vimeo.

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt and I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you and that’s worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn’t have fallen in love with

I can’t see much of a future
Unless we find out what’s to blame, what a shame
And we won’t be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn’t have fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt and I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I’ll only end up losing you and that’s worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn’t have fallen in love with

For a bit of fireflie-summer-feeling watch this wonderful compilation with equally wonderful music by Michael Nyman … ah yes, the movie that piece was taken from is Peter Greenaway’s also wonderful ‘Drowning by Numbers’ where grandmother, mother & daughter are ridding themselves of their partners 😉

Fireflies, Summer 2011 from Michael Roman on Vimeo.

This post’s pic is a screen grab from this video – I sincerely hope that Michael Roman is ok with it 🙂

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How do we fall in love?

sandman

Somewhere in this endless internet I’ve found the most breathlessly poetic answer to this question – sadly not by me 😉 – but by author Jeanette Winterson:

How do we fall in love?

You don’t fall in love like you fall in a hole.
You fall like falling through space.
It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet.
And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear.
It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signalled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump.
Away you go, falling into someone else’s orbit and after a while you might decide to pull your two planets together and call it home.
And you can bring your dog. Or your cat. Your goldfish, hamster, collection of stones, all your odd socks. (The ones you lost, including the holes, are on the new planet you found.)
And you can bring your friends to visit.
And read your favourite stories to each other.
And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without.
That’s it.

PS You have to be brave.

• strips books & kindle SIGHT SOUND & TASTE