Pain is just the first step. Or is it?

With my upcoming Chiron return – although it’s a little delayed due to Chiron retrograding at the moment – I spent quite an amount of musing about his part in relationship astrology. Sadly, my mentor in this field – Dawn Bodrogi – has passed away in November, before finishing her long-awaited book ‘Beyound the Wound’ on Chiron in Synastry.

I remember one of our talks about someones Mars being spot on my Chiron – she said that this was one of the most compelling and also most painful aspects. ‘He will hurt you. I’ll guarantee that.’ And so he did, in a very male/martian way. In the aftermath, I don’t know what made me so calm about it. Was it, because the whole thing felt like a part of my rebirth / healing process? She also said, that the Chiron person is usually the one, that is ‘spirtually more evolved’ and capable of going the extra mile, although there is no guarantee that it’ll pay off in the long run.

As I’m about to change a lot of things in my life at the moment, I thought of engaging more in astrology again, because the subject never failed to fascinate me over the last 34 years. Which says a lot about someone with Virgo rising, a Gemini Moon and Mercury / Sun in Aquarius, I guess 😉

So, for my own Chiron studies, I’d like to invite everyone to share their hurtful/healing relationship experiences with me. Chiron’s hurts are the one of the soul, not physical. If you want to participate, just send me your birth dates (date, time, place) and the one of the person you suspect you’re having (or had) a ‘chironic’ relationship with. I’ll check if Chiron is indeed involved and get back to you – either with a short explanation if your problems aren’t/weren’t caused by Chiron, or – if Chiron is involved in a significant way – further questions about how it all played out for you.
Also I’m interested in your personal Chiron-return storys. Chiron (in transit) returns to the place he is in your birthchart at a given point between age 49 – 51. Around ten years later followed by the more commonly known 2nd Saturn return which is also a pretty challenging time for most people.

My theory about the connection between these two major transits at the moment is: if you handled the Chiron return wisely and came to terms with your ‘inner wound’ – the 2nd Saturn return will find you prepared. If not … and this is just a shot in the dark at this point from my personal view – it might be a time, when both themes will show up on your doorstep. Your Chiron’s placement indicates where your soul is wounded and vulnerable – while Saturn represents your (karmic) fears.

Without pain, we’d never know what happiness feels like – and sometimes we just need to overcome our fears and be brave enough for the first step out of our comfort zone. It can hurt, but there is so much to be gained.

... STARGAZING

What is love?

I feel like channelling my inner Carrie Bradshaw today … so I can’t help but wonder:
is it love, when someone just can’t let go? Even if they admit that they were never truly happy in their longterm marriage? Claiming they still love and will always love the other – but all the same wish that they’ll never have a happy day in their lives again?

When people ask me of my astrological opinion of their partnerships, I’m able to differ and see things as they are. Whereas when I’m regarding my own relationships, I tend to throw all objectiveness over board and see things through mostly rose-tinted glasses. Like: ach, these hard Saturn-aspects are just minor ones, right? Pain is just the first step, haha – who cares?

So maybe it’s the same for people who are perfectly able to give precise relationship-advice to others, but are completely blind to the mistakes they make themselves.

Still there’s one thing, I just can’t wrap my head around: why would you ask to marry someone whose hobbies you don’t share, who’s friends you despise and who’s general attitude to life just isn’t your cup of tea, in the first place? And feel depressed, when he fails to change everything about him, to make you happy, when he thought, you were happy and loved him the way he was? From a distance (and also very clearly in astrological terms) it looks like, there were two people falling not for each other as they were, but for the picture of a ‘love of their life’ they’ve formed of each other in their mind. Then sticked together no matter what, because one isn’t one to give up easily and would never admit, to have made such a grave mistake as choosing the wrong partner – although suffering and feeling like sacrificing themselves for a greater cause all of the time. And the other being someone used to ignore and sit out problems, hoping they’ll sort out somehow along the way – while being perfectly able to draw personal happiness out of other things in life.

This mixture for desaster ended in betrayal. Born out of physical and emotional distance one party obviously couldn’t bear any longer. Still unexcusable. But at this very moment a year has gone past the decision to sort things out in a fair way for both and end a marriage one party admittedly hadn’t spent a single happy day in. So is it still love or just a hurt ego causing them of all people – to still stalk and emotional blackmail – because it wasn’t them, that ended it all, but their significant other? Whom they’ve constantly accused for years that he won’t ever get anything afoot? When the one thing he finally did, was telling them, that he’s seeing no future in staying together anymore? Is it, because he hadn’t the /right/ to do this? Did they see themselves as the only ones, ultimately entitled to ‘pull the plug’ and leave? Because they’ve ‘invested’ more suffering in the relationship over the years?

In German there is a verb for the feeling we have, when someone is publicly embarrassing himself: fremdschämen. Witnessing someone making a complete fool out of oneself in writing emails ranging between declarations of love and outright hatred of the worst kind, telling – easily to reveal – lies and all in all trampling their own dignity in the dust over and over, stirs a lot of fremdschämen and pity in me. Saying things like ‘If you really loved me, you’d done this and that.’ … ‘If you really cared about our relationship, you’d changed yourself.” … is not love, but the path to emotional abuse. Love has no strings attached. No one needs to disown himself for the other. If someone constantly fails to meet your expectations – he is not ‘the right one’ for you. It’s as easy – albeit painful to realize – as that.

I’ve ended my marriage too this year – but although I’ve been also initially ‘left’ for someone else, I’m grateful that we were both able to resolve this like adults and treated each other with respect. Maybe because we always had and never lost the ability to honestly talk to each other over the course of our almost 30 years of marriage.

I’ll tend to continue this way in the one to come.
Here’s to love. Whatever it is.

... THINGS FROM DINGS

Saturn and Endings … for my ‘Papa’

My dad died about 3 weeks ago. He had been ill for some years, after surviving tongue-cancer in 2005, he was diagnosed with COPD. But he was unable to quit smoking. And so, on a warm evening in July, a beautiful sunset glowing outside his hospital window, he closed his eyes forever while his 2nd wife Nina and I were holding his hands.

When I arrived, the man lying in that ‘intensive care’ bedroom only barely resembled the one I had visited (in the same room) just 2 days ago. Who was curious to see my new tattoo and insisted that I showed it to the (also tattoed) nurse that entered. Who sang ‘I can’t get no …’ when I said, that I had tickets for the Stones in autumn and told me, that he saw them at the famous Berlin Waldbühne gig back in the 60s…

But now he was already far away, laying motionless, looking right through me and Nina was still trying to pull him back with words. She said ‘you promised me 20 years – it hasn’t been 20 years yet’. I understood that my part was to help him to ‘let go’. So I told him, that I was there and that my sister, my mum and whonot (I said all the names aloud) knew that I was with him at this moment and that they all were thinking of him right now, and that he shouldn’t make it too hard for him and just let go. And then he went. So silent that we only realized that he was gone, when the doctor took my hand and said he was sorry, but that at least he’d died painless and without suffocating (which had been his greatest fear during the last 2 years) and with two of his closest family members at his side.

When I went home, I made a horoscope for his deathdate and had a sudden realization about that Saturn transit currently opposite my natal Moon. You only have these transits every 28 years and the last time, Saturn was in that exact position, my grandfather had died. Saturn makes rules and regulations and can also stand for ultimate endings. So, his opposition to my Moon seems to be some sort of marker for the end of a soul-connection. In my father’s chart, transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct his natal Chiron – his ‘wound’ and sore spot, while transiting Neptune was exactly opposite his natal Saturn – ‘dream’ opposing ‘reality’. So that also means that my dad’s Chiron was opposite my Moon – my last words to him might explain our relationship ‘You didn’t made it easy for us, but I was always proud of you. I love you.’. He was a difficult man, an artist, a painter, sex’n’drugs’n’rock’n’roll but he always said that the best things he’d ‘done’ in his life were my sister and me.

Last time, Saturn was opposite my Moon, one man left and then a new one entered my live. So let’s see if history’s repeating.

‘I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain, coming down a sunny day?’

STARGAZING THINGS FROM DINGS

Winter is coming …

Tomorrow the Sun will move into Cancer and we’ll experience the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. Which also means that from now on the days will get shorter again and – yes – winter is coming …

As my natal Moon is in the last degrees of Gemini I always feel this ‘change of season’ in my soul. This year even more so as Saturn is currently in a Position exactly opposite my Moon. The last time it has been in this exact spot was 29 years ago, in the summer in which I got married.

So I’d like to interpret this as a time of serious and longterm decisions about my future and most of all my soul’s happiness. Saturn is currently retrograde and so he was opposite my Moon in the beginning and will be opposite my Moon again at the end of this year, before he finally ‘moves on’. So I have this whole timeframe to properly prepare for ‘winter’.

People with their Sun or Moon in the last 10 degrees of Virgo and Pisces might experience this as a very hard time as Saturn is squaring their natal planets and this will mostly be felt as unwelcome boundaries to body & soul. Whereas the ones with their Sun or Moon in the last degrees of the Fire and Air signs (Aries / Leo / Sagittarius and Aquarius / Gemini / Libra) might be provided with a helpful set of ‘new rules’ or facing lifechanging reality checks.

In fact it finally seems that things are about to fall into place for me. With a price I’m willing to pay.

Happy midsummer to all of you out there.

 

... STARGAZING

When Neptune meets Saturn … Diamonds & Rust

Well I’ll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that’s not unusual
It’s just that the moon is full

(Joan Baez • Diamonds and Rust)


 
Long time no post … but the first full moon of the new year seems to be a good time to come out of the silence.

My own personal dance of Neptune & Saturn is again in full swing. Transformation of ‘what was’ into ‘what can be’ has been set into motion about three weeks ago. Neptune adds enough vagueness to give Saturn time to muse about realities. I have changed during the last half year under their influence. My sister told me some days ago, my new years chakra theme will be the indigo or 5th chakra … so ‘enlightenment’ is kind of in sight. And that’s how it feels like. Whether I’ll discover diamonds or rust. I’m in love and he ‘who is so good with words and at keeping things vague’ is ‘in love too, maybe on another plane, but as deeply’ … not the worst way to head into a new year.

Ramused went to see ‘Love, Love, Love’ in NYC and sent me a spare keychain she had obtained, which arrived two days prior to christmas.
So ‘Love, Love, Love’ for all of you out there for 2017, despite all that shit swirling around the planet at the moment.

• play it again Sam SIGHT SOUND & TASTE STARGAZING

You and Me and Karma makes Three … part 2

And it’s a wrap. Well at least a temporary one around my right wrist. 😉

This is the follow up to my post from early march “upps … or: You and Me and Karma makes Three

tattoo3

I visited the charming “Rabenschwarz” (meaning raven-black) Tattoo Parlour today and it took only about 10 minutes and that was that. Now Neptune & Saturn will battle infinitely on my arm.

I really like how it turned out 🙂

tattoo2

As the date was given by Calina, the tattoist, I just didn’t wanted to check the event chart beforehand. When I drew it up as I got home today, I couldn’t help laughing, as it is quite befitting this whole Karma-Tattoo-Thing. This whole chart is very very powerful.

tattoo_chart

The most significant thing about it is probably the mutable T-square between Saturn in adventurous Sagittarius on cusp of the 3rd house (communication), Neptune in dreamy Pisces in the 5th house (romance) and Jupiter in 11th house (hopes & wishes) in communicative Virgo. In short: reality and dreams are very well connected today 🙂
They are connected to the nodal axis as well, with the North Node on cusp of the 12th house. Which is all about Karma. Exploring one’s inner self, connecting the pieces of the puzzle.
My own natal nodal axis is at this moment in time exactly conjunct Jupiter/Neptune btw … reversed however with Neptune on my natal North Node in my 7th house of relationships.

As Mercury’s still retrograde, words don’t come easy, so I’ll leave it with this. Fellow astrologers please feel free to comment, there’s a lot in it. 🙂

STARGAZING THINGS FROM DINGS

Some foggy notions on Mercury’s current retrograde …

A lot of things didn’t happen according to plan during this Mercury retrograde period (which is about to end on May 23rd). A lot of things did. And although it felt like a good time for deeper understanding, words are still eluding me.

While on an emotional level … do you know the feeling, when you don’t want to but – for multiple reasons – simply have to leave a certain place and person at a given point? It doesn’t matter that you know, you’ll be back in a couple of weeks. It doesn’t matter that reason tells you that it is probably even for the better, just the way it is.

Because: it just doesn’t FEEL like it. So in a way you’re happy and sad at the same time. And a bit confused. Or a lot. As your brain seems to consist only of foggy notions, it’s hard to tell. In any event – it took me almost five days to start writing about it. Well at least sort of writing about it. 😉

Let’s see what happens when Mercury stations direct on may 23rd … I suspect that in the meantime I’ll find me listening to this a lot:
The Velvet Underground / Foggy Notion

• play it again Sam SIGHT SOUND & TASTE STARGAZING